And so the day arrives. Your parents unload the silver Land Rover after a long drive up from the Home Counties. You look around to see at least five other parents anxiously locking their silver Land Rovers. Welcome to the University of Liverpool.
Your parents hang around a little longer than than you’d like, you hug them goodbye and while your mum laments her first-born flying the nest, you meet someone in the corridor and head off to Tesco Express to buy vodka. And so a new way of life begins.
It’s a big day. The start of something special. The start of your future. This is possibly the last big step before you start your dream career. (Listen – it might feel like a long way away, but it won’t be long before you start thinking about your last will and testament). But before we get carried away – let’s focus on the immediate future and what you have coming your way very soon.
Vodka is a suitable drink at any time of day
3 PM, you say? Let’s get the vodka in. 9 AM? A nice own-brand vodka-soda-lime would go nicely with this Carnatic canteen breakfast. This mindset lasts for approximately five days, after which you will despise the taste, smell and all memories associated with the drink. Put it down.
‘Never Have I Ever’ is a really awkward game with people you don’t know
You’re sat on cheap chairs chugging your own-brand vodka, and all of a sudden you know the ins-and-outs of everyone’s sex life. All things considered, you should have probably left this at least until Wednesday. Do yourself a favour: play Ring of Fire.
Character judgement
You know those thirteen random people you’re living with? People you don’t meet before the day you move in? Some will be your best friends for life. Others will exist as elusive night-time creatures. You won’t ever see them — but they will unrelentingly steal your milk and leave passive-aggressive notes on the draining board. It’s best to wise up to this from day one.
The true value of money
Spending £7.32 on your weekly shop and £35 on alcohol is a perfectly acceptable endeavour. You can leave abstract concepts such as “vitamins” and “a healthy liver” until second year.
Those Fresher’s wristbands you bought were a waste of money
Don’t you know how many Nabzy’s Chicken Pieces you could splash out on for £60?
The tickets you bought from some random person on Facebook, even more so
Anxious not to miss out, you paid an inflated price to get into a club where entry is usually free. Forget Ice. The only things broken were your bank balance and naive sense of trust.
The best week of your life
In Liverpool, not all ice cream vans sell ice cream
In your cosy Midlands village, the familiar chime of an ice cream van means one of two things: an ice lolly or a 99. But there’s a big world out there, and not all things are sugar-coated and dipped in hundreds and thousands.
If you hear an out-of-tune rendition of Teddy Bear’s Picnic at 9pm in September, they’re probably not flogging flakes.
How to become a Microwave Jamie Oliver
There’s nothing you can’t create with a microwave and a bit of perseverance. Cakes? Definitely. Pasta? Of course. The only limit is your imagination.
How to avoid catching the plague from a tea towel
This one is a particularly important life lesson, because with the current housing crisis, you’ll probably be living in house-shares with strangers until you’re 40. Two words: rubber gloves.
South Campus, home of the books
You can build your identity through campus rivalries
The North-South divide is about more than just Devon and Yorkshire. University is about becoming who you want to be, whether that’s a Vine Court medic or a Sydney Jones vegan, whether you prefer “labs” or “The Raz”.
A “sleeping pattern” is a social construct used only to divide us
Eating bagels in the shower at 5am is an act of political defiance. You are a modern-day libertine, a revolutionary, a maverick. There is no judgement for such individuals because they are our leaders. It’s best to brew yourself a coffee, put on your dressing gown and join them.
Your parents will think you’re learning valuable life skills such as “how to look after yourself,” but in reality, this won’t come until third year at the earliest. Most importantly, though, you’ll learn how to have the best year of your life.
